Sharing all of this junk (I use the word "junk" to describe my stuff in mostly a good way) isn't something that everyone feels comfortable in doing and that includes me BUT after 12+ years of having this blog, meeting 1000's of women from all over the world, being one on one with 100's of them listening, paying attention, celebrating, grieving and creating through life's good, bad and ugly events and witnessing and hearing the really deep, hard brokenness, I started feeling a dang shift again.
That "shift" is God doing what my parents had to do to get me on that Confirmation Camp van (part one). Gently but persistently pushing me in the nicest possible way to do something that I don't necessarily want to do.
So why me? Why do I need to share? Why not someone else? I am not prepared for something like this and I know tons of people that have so much more to offer.
I can suggest many that would be way better at this, more qualified and for the love of Pete, a much better writer. I am not a writer, I am a sharer and I share like watching a ball in a pinball machine.
There are way too many "squirrels" running around in my life and I lose focus on just about everything. I misspell words and type so many run-on sentences it gives my writer friends a rash. My junk is not as exciting, tragic, life altering, full or rainbows or shiny and glamorous..or is it?...
So I guess, "why not me?"
We all have our junk and it is all different but like I mentioned above, at the heart of the matter, there is this deep, hard, sad, dark brokenness in most or all of us girls and it is absolutely necessary that we reach out, share, support and encourage each other. Sometimes the only way to do it is to just show up and crack open your own story without worrying or wondering who or what it will do for others. That is not our job. Our job is to just show up which is hard on its very own. It is that "stretched & uncomfortable" feeling I have talked about many times before of not knowing where this is all headed but confident that it is the right direction. I can have that confidence because God is leading and as long as I follow, I am a-ok.
With all of that said, I am just showing up, leaning in and sharing all of my junk with the hope that something I share will help someone be brave enough to do the same or at the very least be relived and say..."Me, too!"
We are not alone in our stories but sometimes we forget to remember what we already know and that leads into the next part of my story.
Being alone.
I am mom of two extremely handsome boys and take my job of being a mom of boys serious. I love it and it is hard. Testosterone is a real thing and boys have hormones, not just girls. Jack is 10 days shy of turning 22 and Ben is 18 but I still look at them and see their 5 and 8 year faces.
I have asked myself many times over the past few years why didn't someone write the follow up book to "What To Expect When You Are Expecting" because I am going through a stage in life that I am struggling through...sometimes struggling well, sometimes not so well. Time is going way to fast and they are ready to fly out of the nest. This mom isn't ready for flight but that is part of being a mom and dang it, MOMMING is hard.
Momming is hard when you are a married mom and momming is equally or even more hard when you are a divorced mom. In my story, going through a divorce with two little boys meant that two nights a week and every other weekend I was alone.
Please don't misunderstand me. I had/have a very supportive family and a core group of friends, so there was always somewhere I could go and people to rely on, talk to or reach out to BUT this was a different type of alone. The moment those boys walked out the door and until they returned, I rolled up into a ball and basically stayed there. I was alone and fell apart until my boys returned. The most important job I had to do in life was take care of my boys and when they were with me, they were the front and center of my world. When they were with their dad, I crumbled and continued to do the same thing over and over: take care of them/crumble/take care of them/crumble. NOTE TO SELF: Continuing that pattern over time causes one to become very unhealthy and you can't be a good mom or anything else for that matter.
EVERYTHING changed the day a friend simply reminded me of something I had already known, just forgot to remember..
I am never alone.
Jesus is always right there.
duh.
I knew that but in the darkness of what I was going through and the habit that I had created of rolling up into a ball, I forgot to remember.
Divorce leaves a crack in your heart and on the hearts of children and families involved on both sides. It is not just about two people breaking up. Every story and situation is different but regardless of specifics, it just plain sucks in a hundred different ways. Just like going to confirmation camp and coming home unafraid, once I was reminded and remembered that I am never alone, everything changed but I will be honest and say, I still really struggled, it was very hard, I cried a lot and had to constantly remind myself that I was not alone.
Of course there is much more to all of this, so if you want to know more, just ask. I will share my story.
To be continued....