This past weekend I experienced an anxiety attack. It has been almost two years since having one and the thing about anxiety is that you just never know where, when or why it shows up.
I want to be clear that I am sharing this simply because:
- I want to encourage you if you deal with anxiety
- remind you of some things to remember when going through something like this
- and a few things to try not to say to people who may be experiencing anxiety
Please keep in mind that this is my story and every anxiety experience is different. Many will not understand, some will be confused on the "why" few will relate and that is okay.
My Story
We had been invited to attend an event that was going to be outdoors with friends that we have known my entire life including my own family. This is the part that will confuse people, even myself, but I am explaining it the way it occurred.
I had not committed to attending because I am not a fan of "peopley events."
I know that sounds very selfish and/or self-centered because it is not about me, but please hear me when I say it is not intentional. I do not choose to feel anxiety over what can be a very simple thing. I am the same way about restaurants, malls, airports, and really any place that holds a lot of people and quite honestly, sometimes medication and prayer are not enough.
Now again, I am not going to try to explain the "why" because I simply don't know why and because it is very hard (or impossible) to put into words the thoughts anxiety cause. What I am going to do is share the "tools" I pulled out of my tool box for probably the first time. Again, just sharing my situation so that it may encourage someone who deals with junk like this.
Here's the "pinball machine" (rational and irrational) dialog that went on in my head:
- "I don't want to go but I don't want to have to explain why I don't want to go so I should just go"
- "It's not about me, it's about seeing everyone else but I don't want to see anyone right now, but because I don't want to, I should"
- "Okay, I will go"
So I get up and get the clothes out that I am going to wear. Just getting the clothes out puts 10 bricks on my chest and the only thing I can do is breathe, but barely.
- "So I am not going"
- Then I cry.
- I cry because I feel this way and I cry because I don't want to feel this way and I cry because I don't know why I feel this way
- I remind myself that I do not have to understand it and that I need to lean into it but all I really want to do is go to sleep. Maybe if I take a nap I will feel better but I can sleep because again, I can hardly breathe.
- "I don't have to go" If they knew I was going through all of the mental armwrestling, they would say "oh my gosh, it's okay just stay home"
- "Lean into it.
- "Remember that these thoughts and feelings are temporary."
- "Remember what you know"
Then I ask my very patient & understanding husband "Can you tell me what to do?" (which is the wrong question for me to ask) and he says "I can tell you what I think you should do" (all the while knowing He can't make the decision for me which is the right response) and so I get up and try to distract my thoughts by watering the lawn and work on just breathing.
THIS IS A HUGE THING: BREATHING. You would not think so, but it is and helps remedy situations by just focussing on breathing.
WELCOME TO ANXIETY
So back to the inner dialog:
- "Just don't go, we should go, I don't want to go, it's not about me"
- "Just make a decision"
- "We aren't going"
and I send a text to my mom and sister saying we aren't going and I apologize for feeling this way and not knowing why. OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE THIS IS EXHAUSTING.
This is when I leaned into what I know:
- Stop thinking (because you are not thinking rationally)
- One step at a time.
- Just get up and take a step.
- Show up (which is really hard after the mental arm wrestle you just went through)
- Don't forget what you know. Jesus is right there with you.
So I got up, got ready, got in the car and we went. For me, in the moment, it was like climbing the high dive, walking out to the end of the diving board, holding my breath and jumping.
But I did it.
You can too.
Just one breath and one step at a time.
Remember what you know.
